my love

I want to call you "my love" like I used to, when I used to lie about everything. What we had wasn't love; it was humiliation. It was possession. It was letting you get close to me and allowing you to tear away tiny bits of my heart.

I want to convince myself that, in some sick way, we were right for each other. I want to lie and lie and lie, to myself and to you. I want to go back to being that girl who just kept running.

I want to stay up all night and drink too much and sleep in the next day. I want to go back to cheap and easy, because now...now everything hurts. And time moves slowly.

I never slept because I wanted to avoid the nightmares, the ones that seem to find me every night lately.

I want to lash out at everyone who loves me best because...

I don't know why.

Loving someone is so absurdly easy. But letting someone love you? That is hard.