loving the freefall

Today, I had a really great day at work.

I got to take care of a baby with multiple physiological issues who just had major abdominal surgery. And all of those things make me SO stoked about doing what I do.

I've been letting go of a lot of trivial things this week & just living by a process of elimination. What do I enjoy doing? Who do I want to be? What sounds like an interesting thing to do for a year, even if it has nothing to do with my career?

I'm tired of labels & career tracks & worrying about disappointing my mom. Because when I think about starting a new job & moving to a foreign country for a limited engagement just because I can, that's when I get excited. And when I feel like things are falling into place. And when that ugly, empty fear that pervades all of my spare seconds starts to disappear.

So today, I know that I like working with babies who will always be chronically ill. I know that something that makes some other people uncomfortable makes me SO EXCITED about life because I have been able to see how much progress these extraordinary babies can make. It makes me laugh & cry & jump up & down to see junior high students respond appropriately to a history lesson, even if it looks something like this:

"Class, who was Adolph Hitler?"

"He had a famous goatee!"

"Yes, he had noteworthy facial hair. But what did he do?"

"He was Jewish."

"No, he wasn't Jewish. How was he involved with Jewish people?"

"He killed them. Anne Frank was Jewish, too. She hid in a basement."

I feel like such a lucky person to be able to see the humor & beauty in the kids that I work with. And even if it doesn't get me a step closer to figuring out where I want to work, it says volumes about who I am & how I want to live.

top secret!

I think I've figured out what I want to be when I grow up!

Now let's our cross our fingers & hold our collective breath to see if I can make it happen in the next year & a half.

quarter life crisis

True to form, I've hit it about two years early. Or maybe I'm not making it to 100.

After 12 years of school, five (or four and a half, not counting my stint as a foreign exchange student) years of college, and almost a year as a real, live nurse, I am burnt out. I'm blaming most of it on two exhausting years of nursing school and a year at a job that makes me want to crawl back into bed every morning as soon as I get there. Somewhere between seventeen and now, I lost a whole lot of my spark and I miss it dreadfully.

So someone, somewhere, please tell me what I enjoy, what I'm good at, & how in the world do I make either one of those into a career?

it's a sweet, sweet life

Literally.

Russell J made me the most amazing cherry clafoutis with a shortbread crust as a late Valentine's Day present. I'm not saying I could eat it every day for the rest of my life, but I have eaten it multiple times a day for the past two days. He's definitely a keeper.

And....drumroll please...after two years of paying interest on trains that I took across Europe and clothes I shouldn't have bought....I finally paid off my credit card. Unfortunately, this kind of feels like a birthday: I don't feel any older (or more financially secure), but I guess I am.

We got veggies yesterday! Spinach (always a hit), kohlrabi (looks like an alien), green garlic (hope it's a good as regular garlic), broccoli raab (also always a hit), watermelon radishes (the fact that they are named after my favorite summer fruit gives me the teensiest glimmer of hope), turnips (old news), lettuce (bummer), carrots (yum), & broccoli (double yum. This broccoli is far superior to any broccoli I ever bought at the store). And, even better, Russell J is making PIZZA tonight!

Life is hard & unexpected & crazy all day long, but damn, sometimes it's so, so sweet.

2011? for real?

I almost typed in 2001. That was a pretty good year...TEN YEARS AGO. Oh my goodness, where did it all go?

Resolutions:

- Well, we joined a CSA, which I am so freakishly excited about. Minus the fact that I think this means we'll be eating RADISHES for the next three months. I don't know if I can come to love radishes.

- Cook more.

- Work less. Stress less. Generally give myself a break.

- 6 pack abs? Right?

- Rediscover all the things I used to love to do before I convinced myself that falling into the "work hard in high school SO you can get into a good college SO you can work hard in college SO you can get a good job SO you can make lots of money SO you can buy lots of things SO..." So what? I don't know. But the money is good and the job is not so good, so maybe by this time next year, I'll have a whole different career? Or at least hobbies that make the day job not so...job-like.

- Blog? Right? I did get a sweet Flipcam, which is currently full of New Year's Eve Just Daaaance videos. I'm hoarding away all the ones with me in them, hoping that they will never reach the light of day.

And I had another one, but I forgot what it was, so oops, I guess it must have been a lie.

Here's the big one, though: Figure out how in the world I'm going to get back to Namibia or to Haiti to work with all the babies that my heart hurts for. Whether it's nursing or being a teacher or saving all my tips from the barista gig I have to get when I finally quit being a nurse, I just can't help but believe that God puts these kids on my heart and never lets me forget them for a reason. So that's the big one. Figure out how to get from point A to point B (or point Z, because as of right now, it seems like quite a ways off).

Happy 2011. Seriously, 2011? When the heck did that happen?

P.S. I remembered my last resolution: Start extreme couponing.

back on the train

Yes yes yes.

The eatin'-tacos-for-dinner-while-drinking-cafe-au-lait-made-with-chocolate-milk-out-of-a-latte-bowl train.

The pad-thai-&-beaujolais-for-breakfast train.

The making-dinner-every-night-because-it-zens-me-out-&-I'm-pretty-damn-good-at-it train.

The forget-this-job-because-it's-not-forever train.

The I-can-be-whatever-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up train.

The much-too-young-to-feel-this-old-&-sad-exhausted train.

The I-am-so-young train.

I am back on this freaking train.

Who I Am at Twenty Years Old

I'm an honest girl. I generally make an effort to be honest. So here is an honest statement: The past year has been difficult for me.

I've been nursing a broken heart that never seems to heal.
I had no idea where my life was headed, due to the fact that I was rejected from ASU's nursing program.
I spent most of my fall semester crying outside of my classrooms instead of attending classes inside of them.
I felt like a lost a large part of my identity, due to the fact that my primary focus was living up to other people's standards.
God and I have not been on good terms for a long time.

I'm on my way back, but it's a long, hard road. I feel like most of my time is spent sitting on random stumps along the path instead of actually walking down it, but I'm at least headed in a direction.

Here is what I learned about myself while I was in France:

I like:
- kicking the heads off of dandelions
- reggae music on sunny days
- napping in the grass
- faire bises
- daisy-chain headdresses
- paisley
- purple
- purple paisley
- napping in beds that are not mine
- S'mores Pop Tarts
- watching movies
- crying during movies
- dancing to music that reminds me of me
- ice cream trucks
- sunbathing and getting just a little bit burnt
- CNN, especially Anderson Cooper
- hoodies
- stores and homes that smell like hippies
- stairwells that remind me of Mexico

I want to:
- live on the coast, in a town with church bells, where I can ride the bus or the metro
- live in a lighthouse and own a pumpkin patch
- live close enough to go home for Thanksgiving
- grow my hair long and wear jewelry that jangles and never own a winter coat and never carry an umbrella
- buy fruits and veggies from a fruit stand and be a regular at a coffee shop and sing at open mic nights
- have clear skin
- be real brown and laugh real loud and speak at least two languages every day
- sing
- play music with someone I love
- have a dog who I can take mostly everywhere
- live somewhere small and order takeout and watch too many movies and knit gifts for my friends
- do theater in my "free time", if that even exists
- have colored candlesticks and a black lacquered chandelier and a claw-foot bathtub
- read a lot
- have a wrought-iron gate with music notes and a patio full of flowers (which someone else will obviously have to care for, because I'm a mess when it comes to keeping plants alive)
- take naps in the grass in a park near my house
- have colored panes in my living room windows
- have a piano in my living room instead of a TV
- sell my car
- live somewhere with bright colors and lots of paisley and a futon couch where people can sleep when they come visit me and a funky teapot which will nearly always be full of hot water

And that's what I know.