home, on a happier note

I am a really lucky girl.

I'm lucky that I have a handful of women who love me and who I call "mom". I'm lucky that the same friends I had when I was eleven years old are some of my dearest friends today. I'm lucky that I have a job that allows me to fly home for graduations. I'm even luckier that I have the financial stability to be able to give a graduation gift to one of my favorite people. I'm lucky that I come from a close family. I'm lucky that my hometown was safe and supportive. I'm lucky that everyone in my life has always pushed me to succeed. I am lucky that I have a group of friends who are always prepared to rally around whichever one of us needs support.

I am lucky to know that blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood. And cliche as that may be, I love that I have been surrounded by amazing people and have been able to choose such a beautiful family.

get your antioxidants here

I was supposed to go to hip hop class tonight.

Instead, I stayed home with Russell, had a good cry, and am currently drinking a big glass of wine.

Hey, I'm heart healthy either way.

I was walking through the Oakland Airport, red leather travel bag weighing down my arm, when I realized that I didn't know where I was going. I looked for the 5:15 flight to Sacramento, but it wasn't posted yet. I decided to walk around and find something to eat. I found a window that looked out to the bay. I didn't want to leave.

As I was watching the Pacific, I realized that I wasn't going to Sacramento. I was going back to Phoenix. I laughed at myself and went to find my gate number.

I feel like that a lot lately. I know exactly where I'm standing, but tend to forget where I'm coming from and have no idea where I'm going. Blame it on too much jetsetting or not enough sleep, but I spend my days tiptoeing through a fog. There is no sense of apprehension, but nothing to tie me to the ground.

I keep moving and it's easier that way. I dance from country to country, never stopping to catch my breath. And it's easy. The hard part is staying in one spot long enough to know where I am.

I want to move back to the coast, to be able to smell to ocean every morning. I want to speak Spanish and eat fresh fruit. I want to play piano in the middle of the night and be able to go running in the afternoons and drive around those California foothills. But most of all, I want to be with my family. I want to be at birthday parties and baptisms and whatever other parties my grandma throws.

Being there is hard. It's easier to love my family long-distance. Being there means that I have to face the fact that some things still hurt, and probably always will. Trying to forget is easier when you're in a country where you wake up and speak a foreign language. But being there is worth it. Seeing my cousins grow up and spending lazy days on the ranch with my grandparents is worth it. Going to lunch with my brother is worth it.

Without them, I don't know who I am. Without them, it's not worth it to find out.

So here I am again.

I'm not really sure what to write, so bear with me.

I'm back in the States. Back in California. Back in the bedroom that was mine in high school. I'm back amidst my golden foothills, driving along the same roads that it seems like I've known forever.

Where was I? It's a long answer, and I apologize if even a long, drawn-out blog is less than satisfactory.

I had a European Spring Break with my mom. It was amazing and difficult and I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. I wouldn't have wanted to spend those three weeks with anyone else. We went to Paris, Bruges, Amsterdam, Lauterbrunnen, Dijon, Lille, and back to Paris again. That's five countries in a little less than 21 days. I had to translate when my mom blew the fuse in the hotel room with her blowdryer not once, but twice. I fell in love with the people in Flandres. I found my version of heaven in a library in Amsterdam with free internet and a grand piano. I found that the water in Switzerland was so blue that it looked fake. My mom and I got stuck in the Swiss Alps and had to get a ride home from a local in the fanciest Audi I've ever laid eyes on. I missed Dijon and referred to it as home. We visited Guillaume, our ex-exchange student, who happens to come from the nicest family I've ever met. I heard more about Rick Steves than I ever cared to hear. I started mourning the loss of my grandfather, something of which I've just barely scratched the surface.

I found out that I got into ASU's Nursing program while we were in Switzerland. I got a job tutoring incoming freshman for English 101. I'm headed back to Tempe in July, and I'll be living with the same girls from last year.

And just as that part of my life was starting to fall into place, the rest of it was spinning out of control. During my mom's last week in Europe, my grandmother was admitted into the hospital. A week later, she was put on hospice. A few days after that, she was gone. I had one incredibly difficult long-distance phone call with her; I held back my tears until I had hung up the phone, then hit my knees, begging God to let her stay. I wasn't ready to let her go, and in many ways, I'm still not ready to face a world without her. I haven't been to the ranch yet, and I don't think I've really accepted that she's gone.

My dad and my brother flew out a few weeks after that, so that Aaron could see Europe, and so they could make sure that I was alright. I was excited to see my dad, but ecstatic to see my brother. He will always know me in a way completely unique to that of any of my friends. He will always understand me better than everyone else. While they were in Dijon, everything felt okay.

And then all of a sudden, finals were coming up, and the reality finally hit: I was leaving France, and I didn't know when I would be coming back.

I can't really tell you where the past four months went, because I'm not sure how to classify it all. I know that it was difficult. I know that I loved it. I know that I met amazing people who I never expected to meet. I know that I cried less than I would have expected, even when my world as I knew it was collapsing. I know that I miss speaking French and riding busses and wearing leggings and eating delicious sandwiches for every meal. I know that everything feels different after living completely outside of my comfort zone for the past four months.

And so here I am, awake again, trying desperately to put it all into words...

Where did February GO???

I feel like time has been sprinting away from me. February was especially busy because of my musical, Valentine's Day, and visits from my family. Here's a quick summary in pictures.

This is a picture of me and my seventeen-year-old brother, Aaron. He's an amazing musician, and I think that he's already mastered the "rockstar look". Aaron and my dad flew out to Phoenix on Valentine's Day, and came to see my musical the weekend after Valentine's Day. One afternoon, when we were driving to the theater, we saw the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. When we were kids, my brother and I absolutely LOVED the Weinermobile, and my greatest ambition was to sing the Oscar Mayer Weiner jingle on the commercials. Anyway, we had quite the photoshoot with the Weinermobile. It was great to have my family come out and visit, because one of the hardest things about going to school in Arizona is being so far away from my family.

These are a few of the beautiful ladies that I have the honor of co-leading in a study on the book of Romans. Val, my co-leader, was driving the van, which is why she's not in the picture, but she's an incredibly wise, amazingly fun woman. From left to right, Maggie, Krystal, Lauren, and Carmel are some of the most hilarious girls I've ever had the opportunity to hang out with. On Valentine's Day, we decided to give Paul and the Romans a break, and instead, we took a field trip to the movies to see "Music and Lyrics". We laughed, we talked in loud voices, we carried around roses, and we ate some funfetti, pink-frosted, Valentine-heart-sprinkled cupcakes. The thing I love most about studying the Bible with these ladies is that we live our lives together. We're able to come together once a week and share our struggles, our triumphs, and our questions. I'm way too blessed to have them in my life and I love them like crazy.

Here a couple pictures from my musical. I was involved with a musical called "The Wager", which was the biblical story of Job, set in modern-day Manhattan. Our production was the world premiere of this musical, which was a fantastic experience. I played the role of "Julie", the oldest daughter of "Jonathan Brytson" (our Job character). In a nutshell, the musical was about a man who has everything: wealth, power, a happy family, and a perfect life. "Lou" (the Satan character) makes a wager with Jonathan's mentor, "J." (the God character), saying that if J would cease with Jonathan for thirty days, Jonathan would turn from him and curse him. J agrees to the wager with Lou, on the condition that Jonathan himself will not be harmed in any way. Lou causes Jonathan's three children to be killed in accidents. Jonathan's wife commits suicide. Jonathan's business fails. Even through all of this, Jonathan is able to retain hope. At the end, J is victorious, and Jonathan realizes that the most important things are not your external possessions, but your hope, your love, and your faith. All in all, it was an amazing experience. I was able to do theater for the first time in a year and a half. We performed in a 1600-seat theater. This is a picture of me, Javier ("J."), and Kaitlyn ("Rebecca", my sister in the musical)

My mom also flew out to see me. She came to see my show on closing night. I was so excited to see her!

These are a few of my friends. We lived together in the dorms last year, and we all live on the same floor again this year. Matt, me, Cassie, and Alicia.