There is a large part of my heart that I left in Namibia. Tonight, it feels as if it might almost kill me.

I find myself unable to sleep. I lay in bed, victim to thoughts that didn't seem all that important while I was there, but now seem to be the only worthwhile thing on my mind.

Here is what I can't forget:

I hated the smell of Bonita's deodorant. It was thick and too sweet and every morning when she put it on, it made me feel sick. But right now, I can almost smell it. And I would give just about anything to hear her laugh again.

I can't imagine seeing Cierra without seeing Cat. In my mind, they will always be Cat&Cierra and I will always be sandwiched between the two. In most of our pictures, this is true. I slept between the two. Cat&Katy&Cierra would likely be found together and laughing.

I've never had a sister. But every girl on that team was (and is) a sister to me. We drove each other crazy at times. We laughed harder than I ever have at things that weren't all that funny. We cried together over the hardest days I've ever had. And it feels unfair that I might never see some of them again in this life.

I thought that drinking tea made me invincible. I had this superstitious belief that if I drank tea at every meal, I would never get sick. As far as I can tell, it worked.

I don't know where all these memories are coming from, but they are keeping me awake. Maybe it's because I listened to "Shackles" tonight, and I miss dancing with my team. I miss laughing at ourselves and being laughed at by the students. Maybe it's because I might see one or two of my teammates in the next few weeks, and I'm both excited and scared to be back in that family again. Maybe it's because the reality of being away from Namibia is finally starting to hit, six months after the fact. Maybe it's because I'm leaving for France in less than a week. Maybe it's because leaving like this often feels like running away, but at the same time, often feels like coming home.