I want to wash away all the conflict, the pain, the fears I can't assuage. I want to cleanse myself into someone who is strong and competent, someone who can chase away death, someone who can shepherd in life. I want to pray away infection. I want to repeat mantras to bring health. I want to fix what is innately broken.
I want to leave all the hurt where it belongs.
I want to learn how to not to bring my work home. I want to know how to shut down the part of me that takes up twelve hours a day. I want to understand how not to let your teasing comments break me into sobs, because it doesn't have anything at all to do with you.
I want to figure out what the hell I'm doing and why I'm working so hard to do it. Because right now, I can't for the life of me figure it out.