Dear Mr. Healy

*** This is something I wrote about a man for whom I possess a great deal of respect. He passed away last week. Please keep his family and his students (both former and current) in your prayers, as his death leaves a huge crater in so many hearts. As a dear friend of mine, put it, "It's crazy to think that our teachers could ever leave us, when we were the ones who left first." ***

Dear Mr. Healy,

When I first met you, I was an awkward 11-year-old, all knees and elbows, and my voice was the only thing that made me stand out from a line of child auditionees. I was far too tall to be auditioning for Amaryllis and I didn't know the first thing about theater, but on your stage, I met Tristan Rumery. Jordan Rumery. Jordan Gomez (who even back then, was trying to go by Jordan DeRea). Emily DeMaso. Phil Kan.

Two years later, I was back, using theater as a substitute for band. In my first few weeks, you taught me to connect with my pain, my joy, my confusion. I was young and unfocused, but you were training me, day by day. I'll never forget that "Cavalcade" rehearsal where I auditioned for a solo. It felt like my whole world rested on those sixteen bars; you made me sing the whole song. That's what you made me do. You asked me to do one thing and than proved that I could do ten times more than I ever thought.

I auditioned for "Oklahoma" and was stunned not only to get a callback, but a callback for Laurey! I was too green, and certainly too untrained. But it was enough to get me to stay, enough of a goal for me to keep working.

Sophomore year. "Once Upon a Mattress". I was second runner up. It was a show I didn't care much about, but I learned invaluable lessons from you. "You never get a second chance to make a first impression." "First time, every time." and my favorite: "Time is money, and we're going broke." You taught me to be a professional, even at fifteen years old.

Junior year. I started to audition with community theaters, but was unable to perform with them after I failed my driver's test. I got an understudy role in "Grease", and I was frustrated. There had been weeks of build-up, people who had seen my audition and praised me for it. But I kept that to myself, and did my job. My understudy night was one of the most rewarding performances I've ever had.

Senior year was my dream come true. I was able to show you everything you had taught me on a night during "Scrooge" where all the lights went out, and I sang. By myself. No microphones. No lights. No piano. Just me. But it was you, Mr. Healy. I never would have been able to do anything even close to that, had it not been for your guidance. I was nominated for an Elly for vocal directing; I thought I'd just been helping out with harmonies during class. "Les Miserables" was more than anything I could have asked for. I cried after my audition, because I thought I did so horribly. And I came out with the romantic lead. I was sick the whole time, from auditions to closing night, and never for a second thought about asking for an understudy to fill in for me. You taught me that. Without you, I would have whined about my voice every day of rehearsals. But because of you, I did it without even thinking. The show had to go on.

You were my first director, my first employer. You helped me decide where to go to college and what to study. I spent much more time in the theater than I ever did at home. On an application, you once wrote that my weaknesses were "naivete and an overwhelming desire to please". In many ways, you knew me better than I knew myself. I wonder if you knew about everything I faced during those years, all the trouble I got myself into when you didn't have me in rehearsal. I'm sure you did. You always knew the things we least expected that you would know. You guided me through everything, even though I had no idea.

You hugged me on closing night of "Les Miz" with tears in your eyes, and I was stunned. I love you, Healy. My life has been irreversably changed because of you, and for that, I owe you the world. I hope you're dancing enough to make up for all the years you couldn't and belting out songs in your deep baritone voice. This world is a better place because of you, and I know you've taken the musicals in heaven to a whole 'nother level.

Part One: Airports

I'm trying to remember how it felt to leave the USA. I'm sure I was terrified. I'm sure I didn't sleep much before I left. I know that I watched a lot of movies in the days before I left. You see, I do this thing I like to call a "stress coma", where I become so anxious that I just stop moving, and stop doing anything productive. I'm sure I did that; I always do before something big happens.

I left Phoenix around 1 am, on the morning of June 22nd. My first flight was from Phoenix to Houston, on one of those tiny little planes that make me doubt whether or not we'll get blown away by a strong gust of wind way up at 30,000 feet. I tried to sleep, but couldn't. I read a book, "Band of Brothers" by Stephen Ambrose.

I stopped in Houston, and felt like there wasn't a single person in that airport. I brushed my teeth and took my anti-malarials, feeling very grown up and very young at the same time.

Then I sat. And sat. And sat. And didn't sleep, because I was afraid I would miss my flight.

A tiny Mexican lady came up to me, asking if I spoke any Spanish. She was headed to Oaxaca and couldn't find her gate, because she didn't speak English. I'd been to Oaxaca before, and hearing that she was headed there made my heart soar. We talked a little bit about her daughter, who lived in Houston. I was impressed by her courage, impressed by the fact that she was navigating around an airport and a country where she couldn't speak a word of the language. It brought me a lot of peace, knowing that this little woman in red patent leather pumps wasn't letting anxiety hold her back.

There and Back

So I went to Namibia. And I served the Lord. And I left my heart in Africa. And now I'm back.

We didn't have much access to internet while we were in Oshakati, so I was unable to blog about everything God was doing in us and through us. Honestly, I don't know that I would have been able to do a very good job of writing about everything God was doing. It was BIG. It was amazing. It was wonderful. It was difficult. It was real. I feel like I've promised to write all my stories, and I will, but I think that I'll need some time to process and a lot of time to readjust.

I'm back in California, back at my mom's. I've visited my grandparents and wrestled with my brother. I've gotten my film developed and been shocked at how little I was able to capture. Also, my flash was out of synch with my camera, so I have a roll or two of less-than-perfect photos. I guess that's the thrill of using film and not digital. I'm relearning how to sleep in, although I've had a few nights of being wide awake at 3 a.m. because my body thinks I'm still in Africa. I'm playing with my mom's cats, catching up with old friends, and seeing my world through completely different eyes.

I'll be back in a little while, when I'm ready, and I'll share stories of God's goodness.

Seventeen Days

I leave for Namibia in seventeen days.

It's pretty unreal, to say the very least.

My passport arrived at my mom's house, and it's currently somewhere between El Dorado Hills, California and Tempe, AZ. Passport? Check.

I got a bunch of shots yesterday and I'm in for some more on Thursday. Shots? Check.

My fundraising is where it needs to be, which is a huge blessing. Fundraising? Check.

Plane tickets? Check.

Sleeping bag? Check.

Amazing team? Check.

I'm seventeen days away from spending roughly a day in flight, and flying into a time zone which is eight hours ahead of my typical time zone. Needless to say, I'm freaking out.

I'm going to Namibia in seventeen days. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Crazy.

I Have No Idea What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

At seventeen, I had my whole life planned out. I was going to go to school in San Diego, study biochemistry, sing in some choirs, and leisurely make my way to medical school. I'd become a pulmonologist and focus on pediatrics. I'd do theater on the weekends to blow off some steam. I had a brilliant, flawless plan for my life.

I remembered this in church on Sunday, as we celebrated the graduating seniors. Sitting there, I realized that I have no idea where my life is headed. I feel like so much of my life is contingent on waiting. Waiting to get into nursing school. Waiting to figure out where God wants me to live after I graduate from college. Waiting to see what this summer will bring. I'm halfway through college, and I've never been more confused about who I am and where I'm going.

It's a blessing.

It's counterintuitive for me to see it as a blessing, but it is. Even though I have absolutely no clue where I'm going, I know Who I'm following. I'm serving a God who loves me and cares about every step I take. I'm the daughter of a King who works for the good in everything, even when it hurts and I don't understand.

If I'm going to be honest, I have to admit that I often struggled with trusting God to work for the good in my life. Some days, I walk around paralyzed with fear, because I don't have a carefully scripted plan for my life, and the happenings in my life don't fit into the map that I've drawn.

But when I step back, it's all good. It's all a blessing. Life is hard, and confusing, and wonderful. There aren't any second chances, which makes any small success a devastating victory.

In the past couple weeks, I've had the opportunity to move into a beautiful condo with four amazing ladies. I have a boxer/pit bull puppy who is beautiful, sweet, and fun. I'm finishing my nursing school application before I leave for Namibia. I've been working a lot, and spending time with friends when I'm not working.

I have no idea what fall semester is going to look like, and I'm ecstatic to see how it is going to work out.

To God be all the glory.

Exciting Photos of Exciting People

Confession: I'm not great at this blogging thing. I don't know if anyone really reads this, but if they do, I would think that they would be bored by my lacking of new information. So here is what went on in March.

At the beginning of March, I went to Colorado Springs for a summer missions orientation. In addition to meeting my trip coordinator and finding out more about my trip, I was able to meet some of the people on my team. Here are a few of the ladies on my team when we went to Garden of the Gods. Leslie, Sara, Kindra, Cat, me, Cierra, and Paige. We're all pretty focused on fundraising right now. I'm excited to meet the rest of my team in June and to spend some hard, fun, rewarding time in Namibia.




This is a picture from the Navs Spring Break trip to San Felipe, Mexico. While we spent a lot of time playing on the beach and eating fish tacos, we set aside a day for serving the people of San Felipe. We split up into a few groups. One of our groups laid electrical wire at an orphanage. My group helped a missionary who had been at a hospital for seven years. He had to move back to the States, because his wife's father had become very ill. It was a really emotional time for him, and we were glad to be able to help in whatever way we could. We mostly moved furniture and boxes, but we also spent a lot of time cleaning the hospital, because it had been closed for two years. There were dead cockroaches EVERYWHERE. It was pretty gross. My favorite part of the day was getting to talk with two other Nav girls about what God is doing in our lives lately and what He has been teaching us.

This picture is really, really fun. One of the Nav girls decided that we needed to have a talent show. This is my Bible study, and we decided to dance and lip synch to "Pop! Goes My Heart" from the movie "Music and Lyrics". It was cheesy, campy, and awesome. We won third place, which means that we get to perform again at the end of the year party; that's the trophy between me and Carmel, the girl in the orange.

Also, if you'll direct your attention to my profile picture, you'll see that I cut my hair. After nearly twenty years of long hair and a lot of thinking about it, I decided that a change would be good. So now I have short hair, which is a new, fun experience.

Only three weeks left of classes! A little more than two months until I leave for Namibia!

Where did February GO???

I feel like time has been sprinting away from me. February was especially busy because of my musical, Valentine's Day, and visits from my family. Here's a quick summary in pictures.

This is a picture of me and my seventeen-year-old brother, Aaron. He's an amazing musician, and I think that he's already mastered the "rockstar look". Aaron and my dad flew out to Phoenix on Valentine's Day, and came to see my musical the weekend after Valentine's Day. One afternoon, when we were driving to the theater, we saw the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. When we were kids, my brother and I absolutely LOVED the Weinermobile, and my greatest ambition was to sing the Oscar Mayer Weiner jingle on the commercials. Anyway, we had quite the photoshoot with the Weinermobile. It was great to have my family come out and visit, because one of the hardest things about going to school in Arizona is being so far away from my family.

These are a few of the beautiful ladies that I have the honor of co-leading in a study on the book of Romans. Val, my co-leader, was driving the van, which is why she's not in the picture, but she's an incredibly wise, amazingly fun woman. From left to right, Maggie, Krystal, Lauren, and Carmel are some of the most hilarious girls I've ever had the opportunity to hang out with. On Valentine's Day, we decided to give Paul and the Romans a break, and instead, we took a field trip to the movies to see "Music and Lyrics". We laughed, we talked in loud voices, we carried around roses, and we ate some funfetti, pink-frosted, Valentine-heart-sprinkled cupcakes. The thing I love most about studying the Bible with these ladies is that we live our lives together. We're able to come together once a week and share our struggles, our triumphs, and our questions. I'm way too blessed to have them in my life and I love them like crazy.

Here a couple pictures from my musical. I was involved with a musical called "The Wager", which was the biblical story of Job, set in modern-day Manhattan. Our production was the world premiere of this musical, which was a fantastic experience. I played the role of "Julie", the oldest daughter of "Jonathan Brytson" (our Job character). In a nutshell, the musical was about a man who has everything: wealth, power, a happy family, and a perfect life. "Lou" (the Satan character) makes a wager with Jonathan's mentor, "J." (the God character), saying that if J would cease with Jonathan for thirty days, Jonathan would turn from him and curse him. J agrees to the wager with Lou, on the condition that Jonathan himself will not be harmed in any way. Lou causes Jonathan's three children to be killed in accidents. Jonathan's wife commits suicide. Jonathan's business fails. Even through all of this, Jonathan is able to retain hope. At the end, J is victorious, and Jonathan realizes that the most important things are not your external possessions, but your hope, your love, and your faith. All in all, it was an amazing experience. I was able to do theater for the first time in a year and a half. We performed in a 1600-seat theater. This is a picture of me, Javier ("J."), and Kaitlyn ("Rebecca", my sister in the musical)

My mom also flew out to see me. She came to see my show on closing night. I was so excited to see her!

These are a few of my friends. We lived together in the dorms last year, and we all live on the same floor again this year. Matt, me, Cassie, and Alicia.