grief & all its intricacies

Grieving.

I really suck at it.

Some days, I cry by myself in my closet as I'm getting dressed. Others, I laugh all day long. Some days, I'll wish that she was around so that I could call & ask for advice. Others, I can crack a joke about something she once did, like she's still around.

Today, I'm angry at just about everyone but Kevin. I'm upset that I feel like I'm not grieving enough. I'm upset that when I do mention that I miss her, someone else tries to one-up me with their own grief. I know that I should be supportive & I know that I should cut everyone else some slack because they need to grieve in their own way. But I don't care & I don't want to & it's easier for me to be angry than it is for me to be sad. I know that I'm experiencing delayed grief because I swear on everything that is important to me, I still do not believe at all that she is gone. I don't feel any differently than I did before. I still get up & go to work & make dinner & watch Grey's Anatomy.

I feel like a horrible friend. I feel like I should be joining a coalition or paralyzed with sadness or talking more about her or lashing out at the world or at God or at her medical team. I'm not mad at God or at medicine. I'm just angry that I don't know how I should be feeling and that taking this all in stride makes me feel so guilty.

confessions

Confession: I have yet to start my taxes. I mean, how hard can they be, right? Hard enough for me to avoid them like the plague. Or the plaque, which I am also attempting to avoid after not seeing the dentist since who knows when.

But here is what I am doing. Making veggie gumbo.

I am not cleaning, I am not applying for jobs, & I am nowhere near accepting that Kaylee is gone, but I am making some killer (bad choice of words?) comfort foods.

Confession again: I bought Jillian Michaels: 6 Week Six-Pack well over six weeks ago & have yet to start. But I did do some yoga tonight. Clearing my head is not at all easy right now.

Confession the third: I didn't even take a tiny little taste of the Sweet Pickled Onion Watermelon Radish Salad that I made last night. When I took it out of the fridge, it smelled like mildew, so I decided to pass. Russell J took a bite and also decided against eating it. We also lit an orange blossom candle in the kitchen to exorcise the smell. So that's how it's going with the radishes.