Thursday, March 3, 2011

grief & all its intricacies


I really suck at it.

Some days, I cry by myself in my closet as I'm getting dressed. Others, I laugh all day long. Some days, I'll wish that she was around so that I could call & ask for advice. Others, I can crack a joke about something she once did, like she's still around.

Today, I'm angry at just about everyone but Kevin. I'm upset that I feel like I'm not grieving enough. I'm upset that when I do mention that I miss her, someone else tries to one-up me with their own grief. I know that I should be supportive & I know that I should cut everyone else some slack because they need to grieve in their own way. But I don't care & I don't want to & it's easier for me to be angry than it is for me to be sad. I know that I'm experiencing delayed grief because I swear on everything that is important to me, I still do not believe at all that she is gone. I don't feel any differently than I did before. I still get up & go to work & make dinner & watch Grey's Anatomy.

I feel like a horrible friend. I feel like I should be joining a coalition or paralyzed with sadness or talking more about her or lashing out at the world or at God or at her medical team. I'm not mad at God or at medicine. I'm just angry that I don't know how I should be feeling and that taking this all in stride makes me feel so guilty.


Rebekah said...


Stop it now.

Your guilt is completely uncalled for. Your journey through grief will be different from anyone else and there is no way you "should" be grieving, so stop beating yourself up. Do what feels right each day to help you cope with the fact that your friend left you and you didn't get any warning. No one is you, and no one is going to react or need to react the way you do. Same is true for them, so try to be gentle when others can't quite relate to you. But really, be yourself, and be okay with being yourself, because your friend would want that for you.

Love you.

Lauren Elise said...

Ok, this is definitely not to one-up you in grief (in light of your post and my last one)... I would never do that to you. It's a very unique process. This is meant as encouragement, hopefully. When my friend died last year I would start crying at really random times or things, and it lasted a long time. I would have these really strange dreams he'd be in, and they were always freakishly real, which would upset my whole day. I was mad that I felt insecure and rushed about...everything... And I felt guilty if I didn't "seize the day", because I knew he no longer could. Running helped, even though I somewhat loathe it. Talking to him helped. Time helped.

I just wanted to share that so you don't feel weird about your process. Grieving always feels so unnatural-- why is this? Because it hits us when we're so unprepared? Because being vulnerable and alone are two of the most uncomfortable feelings ever probably, and it forces us to face both and come out somehow stronger from the process.

Well I love u. I'm up here waiting in case u need to get away :)