I got to take care of a baby with multiple physiological issues who just had major abdominal surgery. And all of those things make me SO stoked about doing what I do.
I've been letting go of a lot of trivial things this week & just living by a process of elimination. What do I enjoy doing? Who do I want to be? What sounds like an interesting thing to do for a year, even if it has nothing to do with my career?
I'm tired of labels & career tracks & worrying about disappointing my mom. Because when I think about starting a new job & moving to a foreign country for a limited engagement just because I can, that's when I get excited. And when I feel like things are falling into place. And when that ugly, empty fear that pervades all of my spare seconds starts to disappear.
So today, I know that I like working with babies who will always be chronically ill. I know that something that makes some other people uncomfortable makes me SO EXCITED about life because I have been able to see how much progress these extraordinary babies can make. It makes me laugh & cry & jump up & down to see junior high students respond appropriately to a history lesson, even if it looks something like this:
"Class, who was Adolph Hitler?"
"He had a famous goatee!"
"Yes, he had noteworthy facial hair. But what did he do?"
"He was Jewish."
"No, he wasn't Jewish. How was he involved with Jewish people?"
"He killed them. Anne Frank was Jewish, too. She hid in a basement."
I feel like such a lucky person to be able to see the humor & beauty in the kids that I work with. And even if it doesn't get me a step closer to figuring out where I want to work, it says volumes about who I am & how I want to live.