on choosing to have a good day

Hey, it's been a while. This post is dedicated to Laila, who runs one of my favorite blogs and is one of my favorite people.

So I'm back to living in Phoenix, still doing the pediatric nursing thing. I did a sprint triathlon, and then a half marathon. I'm still spending my free time with Russell and our Wonder Dog. And the new love of my life is hot yoga.

Hot yoga is one of those things that I said I would never do (like running a half marathon and eating fish, both of which I have done). Yes, it is so hot that your entire body sweats so profusely that you need a towel on your yoga mat so that you don't slide off of it. Yes, sometimes I need to lay down on my sweaty yoga mat because I am seriously concerned that I am going to throw up. But it makes me feel good and happy and more sore than I've ever been in my life. My favorite instructor looks like Eric Nies, raps through our flow, and played a James Taylor song during the practice today. I am SOLD.

So I went to yoga today and afterwards, I was feeling great. Russell and I went to the mall to get my computer fixed. We walked around and bought some cookies. We drove all around Phoenix and Scottsdale on a day that was so warm and beautiful that it might just be illegal to have such a day in February. We had burritos for dinner. And all day long, I kept thinking that it had been such an amazing day and I was surprised how nice everyone had been.

And it hit me. You get what you put into life and you find good in the world when you're looking for it.

I have to be honest. Most days, I am not happy. I work on a floor with really sick kids and understandably, their parents are not in the best of moods. I am on my feet for 12+ hours a day. It is not rare for me to have shifts where I don't get a chance to eat or go to the bathroom. I do it all with a smile on my face and by the time I get to my car at the end of the night, I am drained. I come home mean. I cry a lot. I have a hard time being thankful.

But if I took more time to be mindful of the world around me, I could find a lot of things to appreciate. I work with brilliant people with big hearts who second guess every detail because they are saving lives all day long. I have a family who loves and supports me. I live in a society where I can support myself. I am young and healthy enough to push my body to its limits in a yoga class or out on a run. I am rich enough to not have to worry about where my next meal will come from or where I will sleep at night.

I woke up this morning. And because of all these things, I don't deserve to have a bad attitude today.

all the things

On having curly hair:
I firmly believe that when you've got a full head of curly, Mexican hair, hair salons are a total scam. No, I do not want golden highlights. No, I do not want short layers. No, I do not want a style that needs to be straightened to look its very best and while I appreciate that you took all of this time to blow it out and straighten it, it's never going to look like this again. It's like the episode of Sex and the City based on The Way We Were:

Miranda: "Robert Redford is madly in love with Barbara Streisand, but he can't be with her because she's too complicated and she has wild, curly hair. So he leaves her and marries this simple girl with straight hair."
Carrie: "Ladies, I am having an epiphany. The world is made up of two types of women: the simple girls and the Katie girls."

I am a curly girl. And a Katy girl. And I am desperately seeking a great (maybe Middle Eastern?) hair salon in the Houston area.



On crying in the supply room at work:
I'm a little over a month from being 25 and I'm finally finding my stride as an RN. I'm getting a lot of experience orienting new RNs to the adult and pediatric sides of our floor. I'm comfortable taking on six patients. I'm fine with blood draws and IVs and NG tubes and straight caths and all kinds of other unpleasant procedures on tiny little people. I can handle parents and family members who are upset. But sometimes, I'm still overwhelmed and frustrated. And every once in a while, I cry in the supply room for a couple minutes until I can regain my footing. I'm learning a lot. I'm teaching a lot. I might be ready to move into a new job sooner than I expected, but this has been a positive experience overall.



On being a single girl with a boyfriend:
I am certain that my dad has been my biggest fan since the first moment he laid eyes on me. When I am lonely and depressed and homesick, he always tells me, "You are living on your own, far from home. Not everyone can do what you're doing." I miss Phoenix. And I miss California. And I miss lunch dates and happy hours and favorite restaurants. I'm still not ready to go to the movies alone and I don't like only seeing my boyfriend a few days a month. I am so happy that I have a sweet, little (sometimes tick-infested) dog who is always happy to see me and never lets me sleep alone.

23 was a strange year

Being 23 was rough in ways that I never expected. I am a girl wholly unaccustomed to failure; graduating from nursing school during a recession was not something that I expected or appreciated. My best friend died unexpectedly, turning my world completely upside-down. I drove across the country twice and flew between Arizona and California more times than I can count. Lost weight, gained it back. Broke up with Russell, got back together. Was unemployed for a few months, took a bunch of classes, got my DREAM JOB (even if it is temporary).

I am happy. Some days, I work at it, and it's really hard. It's been almost a year since Kaylee died and I've gotten out of bed every day since then. I consider that a victory.

I absolutely LOVE my job. I'm working nights on an infant/toddler general pediatrics floor. Sometimes when my floor is slow, I float to Level I NICU. For 12 hours, I feed babies, change diapers, and sing nursery songs. NG tubes, TPN feeds, lab draws. The last time I worked, an exceptionally chatty 4-year-old grabbed my nose; when I asked what he was doing, he yelled, "I'm beeping your horn!"

So, resolutions. It's 2012 already. I didn't make any. But here's a follow-up on the ones that I made last year:

- Cook more. ---> I've roasted chickens and hosted dinner parties and feel like I'm really finding my stride in the kitchen.

- Work less. Stress less. Generally give myself a break. ---> I'm definitely working less and enjoying my free time more.

- 6 pack abs? Right? ---> I'm sure.

- Rediscover all the things I used to love to do before I convinced myself that falling into the "work hard in high school SO you can get into a good college SO you can work hard in college SO you can get a good job SO you can make lots of money SO you can buy lots of things SO..." So what? I don't know. But the money is good and the job is not so good, so maybe by this time next year, I'll have a whole different career? Or at least hobbies that make the day job not so...job-like. ---> I'm in the same career, but a different job, and so much happier.

- Here's the big one, though: Figure out how in the world I'm going to get back to Namibia or to Haiti to work with all the babies that my heart hurts for. Whether it's nursing or being a teacher or saving all my tips from the barista gig I have to get when I finally quit being a nurse, I just can't help but believe that God puts these kids on my heart and never lets me forget them for a reason. So that's the big one. Figure out how to get from point A to point B (or point Z, because as of right now, it seems like quite a ways off). ---> I still can't quite see how it's all going to fall into place, but I'm on the right path.

road trip 2011: 3 putes, 4 stars

Once upon a time, two girls thought it would be a really great idea to take a cross-country road trip. Seven days, an H&M bag full of snacks, & a borrowed SUV.

They saw the Meteor Crater, the world's best preserved meteorite impact site.

They visited Dorothy's house in the heart of Liberal, Kansas.

They saw the Arch in Saint Louis, & sat in a creepy capsule of an elevator to get to the top.

They went to Chicago to meet up with the third member of their elite posse. While in Chicago, they ate & ate & ate. Their recommendations include Frontera Grill, The Purple Pig, & Quartino (ask for Scott, the best waiter in all the land & my boyfriend's doppelganger).

They drove 19 miles out of their way to visit Punxsutawney Phil, who lives in a tiny rodent habitat attached to the public library.

And finally, they parted ways to attend to their responsibilities at work.

I am at camp. The kids don't get here until Saturday so for the past eight days I have been filing, cleaning, socializing, stocking shelves, Ace wrapping elbows & knees & ankles, & tending to other miscellaneous injuries. The food is good, though I'm not impressed by the desserts (shocker). It is beautiful here, but it's been raining for the past two days. In my free time, I'm doing a lot of yoga & a lot of reading.

loving the freefall

Today, I had a really great day at work.

I got to take care of a baby with multiple physiological issues who just had major abdominal surgery. And all of those things make me SO stoked about doing what I do.

I've been letting go of a lot of trivial things this week & just living by a process of elimination. What do I enjoy doing? Who do I want to be? What sounds like an interesting thing to do for a year, even if it has nothing to do with my career?

I'm tired of labels & career tracks & worrying about disappointing my mom. Because when I think about starting a new job & moving to a foreign country for a limited engagement just because I can, that's when I get excited. And when I feel like things are falling into place. And when that ugly, empty fear that pervades all of my spare seconds starts to disappear.

So today, I know that I like working with babies who will always be chronically ill. I know that something that makes some other people uncomfortable makes me SO EXCITED about life because I have been able to see how much progress these extraordinary babies can make. It makes me laugh & cry & jump up & down to see junior high students respond appropriately to a history lesson, even if it looks something like this:

"Class, who was Adolph Hitler?"

"He had a famous goatee!"

"Yes, he had noteworthy facial hair. But what did he do?"

"He was Jewish."

"No, he wasn't Jewish. How was he involved with Jewish people?"

"He killed them. Anne Frank was Jewish, too. She hid in a basement."

I feel like such a lucky person to be able to see the humor & beauty in the kids that I work with. And even if it doesn't get me a step closer to figuring out where I want to work, it says volumes about who I am & how I want to live.

2011? for real?

I almost typed in 2001. That was a pretty good year...TEN YEARS AGO. Oh my goodness, where did it all go?

Resolutions:

- Well, we joined a CSA, which I am so freakishly excited about. Minus the fact that I think this means we'll be eating RADISHES for the next three months. I don't know if I can come to love radishes.

- Cook more.

- Work less. Stress less. Generally give myself a break.

- 6 pack abs? Right?

- Rediscover all the things I used to love to do before I convinced myself that falling into the "work hard in high school SO you can get into a good college SO you can work hard in college SO you can get a good job SO you can make lots of money SO you can buy lots of things SO..." So what? I don't know. But the money is good and the job is not so good, so maybe by this time next year, I'll have a whole different career? Or at least hobbies that make the day job not so...job-like.

- Blog? Right? I did get a sweet Flipcam, which is currently full of New Year's Eve Just Daaaance videos. I'm hoarding away all the ones with me in them, hoping that they will never reach the light of day.

And I had another one, but I forgot what it was, so oops, I guess it must have been a lie.

Here's the big one, though: Figure out how in the world I'm going to get back to Namibia or to Haiti to work with all the babies that my heart hurts for. Whether it's nursing or being a teacher or saving all my tips from the barista gig I have to get when I finally quit being a nurse, I just can't help but believe that God puts these kids on my heart and never lets me forget them for a reason. So that's the big one. Figure out how to get from point A to point B (or point Z, because as of right now, it seems like quite a ways off).

Happy 2011. Seriously, 2011? When the heck did that happen?

P.S. I remembered my last resolution: Start extreme couponing.

home again, home again

I had a really great weekend full of my boyfriend's family, a beautiful wedding, and sweet sweet sweeeeet vacation.

Not to brag, but all I did this weekend was eat eat eat, walk on the beach and read a book about Paul Newman.

And now that I'm back in the real world, I'm taking the day to pretend like I'm still on a mini vacation. I skipped the gym this morning, picked my girl Vegas up from the kennel, took her to Chik-fil-A for breakfast, and now we're sitting around on the couch.

Oh, and we're considering adopting this little guy:

It was good to get out of the heat and away from work for a little bit. The rest of the day is going to be filled with job apps and planning for hosting Thanksgiving this year. Any ideas on either?

keep your fingers and toes crossed for me...

Is an ingrown toenail lucky?

Let's hope so. Because I would really appreciate a whole lot of luck and crossed fingers right now.

insert the theme from "jaws" here

NCLEX.

June 23rd.

last day on main campus

Five years ago, I was seventeen and on top of the world. I had everything planned out. I was going to go to Point Loma, study nursing, sing my heart out, fall in love, get married. I knew where I was headed. I knew exactly what my life was going to look like.

And then I moved to Arizona.

And I met some of the most amazing people. And I lived with someone who would become my very best friend. And I skipped class and slept in and fell in love and got my heart broken into a million pieces and I cried and I prayed and I laughed and I never slept and somewhere along the way, I was twenty-two years old and a week and a half away from graduation.

I don't have any regrets. Well, that's not exactly true. I have very few regrets. I regret that I spent so much time loving someone who didn't love or respect me. I regret that I was unkind to several people when I was living in Dijon. And I regret that I wanted all of this to end so soon.

If I could do it over again, I would have gone to class more and studied harder, at least in my first two years. I would have laughed more. I would have traveled more. I would have spent more time outside. I would have spent less time caring about what people thought about me and more time caring about who I really was. I would have spent a year in France, though I probably wouldn't have made it out alive. I would have lived with Mariam all four years, because if it ain't broke, why would I bother trying to fix it? I would have taken more dance classes, even if they make my transcript look weak. I would have spent more time singing. I would have learned to say "no" much earlier.

But in the end, I'm glad the only time I ever spent in the SRC was that one morning that I tried to train on the elliptical and ending up throwing up in the Best C5 shower; working out wouldn't have helped my Chick-fil-A and Starbucks addictions. I'm glad I ran away to France to escape somewhere that was too full of memories I didn't want to keep. I'm glad that I adopted a wild dog who makes it nearly impossible for me to find a cheap apartment. And even though I would have loved studying English or music or French or theatre, I'm glad I picked something that made me pull all-nighters and go into stress comas; I'm glad that the people who love me most never let me underestimate myself.

For now, graduating feels like bungee jumping. I'm not sure that the rope can hold my weight. I'm scared I won't find a job. I'm even more terrified that I'll have to take a job that I hate. I'm worried I'll have to move home.

I'm worried that I'll fail...

...which is funny coming from a girl who failed BIO 202 and went on to graduate from nursing school.

I've failed and I've made mistakes and I've done things that embarrass me. But the most important thing I learned was how to get back up and fight it out. And I am so proud of that. I'm glad I learned how to fail and how to fight.

Graduation? Unemployment? Possible failure and humiliation? Sure, bring it on.

P.S. Mom, you were right. I shouldn't have given away my pink beach cruiser. How come you know everything?

I'm graduating way too soon. I feel like Rip Van Winkle's daughter, who took a nap while she was packing to move away to college and woke up four (oops, five) years later. All of a sudden, I want to rewind to when I had semesters' worth of classes ahead of me, because I don't feel quite ready to be a non-student yet. What are you if you're not a student? An adult? A grown-up? A member of the working class? When I walk across the stage on May 14th at 9 a.m., I'll be a graduate of ASU's College of Nursing and Health Innovation. And a month or two later, when I take my NCLEX, I'm planning on being a registered nurse. And even at twenty-two, I don't feel ready for it quite yet.

I'm scared that I won't get my dream job, or won't get a job at all. I'm scared that now that I've decided I want to give Arizona another shot, I won't be able to find a job here. I'm scared that I'll have to move to the middle of nowhere and I won't know anyone other than Vegas and I'll crash my car into a snowbank and no one will ever find me. Mostly, I'm scared that I won't make it until May. And if I do, I'm scared that it will have been a waste because then I'll be an unemployed loser who has to move back in with her parents and work retail after studying her brains out for the past four (oops, five) years.

I'm scared to even make wishes about my future for fear that they won't come true.

Even when life is scary and wants me to be older than I'm ready for, I've got you. The "you" that I've got varies from day to day, sometimes from minute to minute. I've got the "you" that I can call in the middle of the night, the "you" that bankrolls me, the "you" that sits with me while I pretend to study, the "you" that kisses me on the forehead when I'm stressed out, and most importantly, the "you" who takes up my whole bed at night, digs me out from the covers in the morning, and wags her tail when I get home from a 13-hour day.

And even if I have to live in a tent in my dad's backyard and work at McDonald's to pay my rent, I've got you. And really, truly, that's all I need. I'm happy with that.

Enjoying my life in spite of nursing school

Hi, adorable little blog. Sorry for neglecting you.

You see, it's just that I can't seem to focus at all. For example, in class this morning, my professor stated, "You'll need to know this for the test on Monday."

MONDAY? You mean, five days from now? We just had a test last Monday!

But yes, Monday. My next test is on Monday. Even though this weekend is Halloween, my favorite holiday. Yes, I'll be studying most of the weekend. But to keep my spirits up, I'm going to make pumpkins pancakes. And apple donuts. And maybe spiderweb cupcakes. And potentially some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. This is the holiday that I wait all year for and I'm not going to let nursing school steal it from me yet again.

Speaking of my favorite holiday, nursing school also doesn't allow me time or funds to make a Halloween costume. So I dove into my closet and came up with this:

That's my rockstar of a boyfriend dressed up as the kid from "Up", me dressed up as a gypsy, and my number one woman Sasha as Little Red Riding Hood.

If I can make it through this week, my plans are as follows:

- Study my brains out

- Replant my sunflowers because they're outgrowing the tiny little pot they're currently living in

- Carve pumpkins! And make pumpkin seeds

- Force the boyfriend to watch "Hocus Pocus", because he's never seen it, and I think that's a tragedy

- Find some free time on Friday or Saturday and use it to make delicious Halloween treats

- ASU football!

- Try and figure out how to celebrate Halloween without Mariam

- Study study study

Done!!! (for now)

Air smelled sweeter on Friday afternoons in high school when I would rush towards my Jeep, roll down the windows, crank up the radio, and speed down the Boulevard to a lazy weekend.

I don't think that there's any better feeling than being DONE. I would feel pretentious if I called this a sense of accomplishment, because it's really just a sense of joy that I don't have to do ANYTHING for the next month. I don't have to study, don't have to worry, don't have to think about any sort of career.

I am officially finished with my first semester of nursing school. I am one-quarter of the way done with my program and a year and a half from graduation.

Hey California, I'll be seeing you real soon.

Fridays are my favorite

One month of nursing school down, twenty-three more months to go

Flying to California for my dad's 50th birthday in the morning

Going swing dancing with the D3 Divas tonight

:)

I am a lucky girl

A few disjoint thoughts

I forgot about birds. Because of school (and the heat, yuck), I'm rarely outside during the day. Yesterday, I was walking Vegas and I heard birdies chirping in the tree outside of my house. How could I forget about birds? I had a similar experience last fall in which I forgot that, in other parts of the world, summer smells like fresh-cut grass. Boo, Arizona. We're only buddies until May 2010 and then I am out of here.

Speaking of getting out of here...any ideas? I'm looking for a moderately large city without pretention. With nice people. With farmers' markets and theaters and a good music scene and many outdoor cultural events. With a rockin' public transportation system. With many delicious cafes and quiet coffee shops and few chain restaurants. With good weather. And having a sizeable Hispanic population wouldn't hurt.

I love school. I thought I might hate school, because I hadn't been in real college for 8-ish months, and I hadn't really taken legit classes for a semester or two before that. But I love school.

That said, I kind of wish I hadn't gotten into nursing school. Nursing school is great and everything, but now I have a career. A life path. I feel like I was more interesting before, when I was threatening to hitchhike to Seattle and trick Rick Steves into hiring me. Or run away from real life and go back to theater. Or become a translator. Or just move back to France and be an au pair. But now, I'm a nursing student, and in four short semesters, I'm going to be a nurse, and then I'm going to move away to somewhere fantastic and be a real adult. I guess that's pretty nice.

If I could live at the library, I would. Libraries are my favorite places in the whole world. Do you think there's an easy way to convert my RN/BSN to whatever sort of degree a librarian needs?

Sleepless in Tempe

It is 6:18 AM, and I haven't slept tonight.

This is probably the fifth night I've had like this in the past week and a half. I'm not cramming for finals. I'm not doing much of anything. I just can't sleep.

Here are the recent happenings in my life:

- I didn't get into the nursing program.
- I'm going to be in a wedding on the 22nd of December.
- On the 23rd of December, I'm packing up my clothes, saying goodbye to my dog, and moving my life back to Northern California.
- I'm spending my spring semester in Dijon, France.
- I've applied to 5 nursing schools (ASU included, for the 3rd time), but there's no guarantee that I'll have a spot waiting for me when I get back to the States.

I'm not sure where my life is headed, but I hope it's somewhere wonderful.