on choosing to have a good day

Hey, it's been a while. This post is dedicated to Laila, who runs one of my favorite blogs and is one of my favorite people.

So I'm back to living in Phoenix, still doing the pediatric nursing thing. I did a sprint triathlon, and then a half marathon. I'm still spending my free time with Russell and our Wonder Dog. And the new love of my life is hot yoga.

Hot yoga is one of those things that I said I would never do (like running a half marathon and eating fish, both of which I have done). Yes, it is so hot that your entire body sweats so profusely that you need a towel on your yoga mat so that you don't slide off of it. Yes, sometimes I need to lay down on my sweaty yoga mat because I am seriously concerned that I am going to throw up. But it makes me feel good and happy and more sore than I've ever been in my life. My favorite instructor looks like Eric Nies, raps through our flow, and played a James Taylor song during the practice today. I am SOLD.

So I went to yoga today and afterwards, I was feeling great. Russell and I went to the mall to get my computer fixed. We walked around and bought some cookies. We drove all around Phoenix and Scottsdale on a day that was so warm and beautiful that it might just be illegal to have such a day in February. We had burritos for dinner. And all day long, I kept thinking that it had been such an amazing day and I was surprised how nice everyone had been.

And it hit me. You get what you put into life and you find good in the world when you're looking for it.

I have to be honest. Most days, I am not happy. I work on a floor with really sick kids and understandably, their parents are not in the best of moods. I am on my feet for 12+ hours a day. It is not rare for me to have shifts where I don't get a chance to eat or go to the bathroom. I do it all with a smile on my face and by the time I get to my car at the end of the night, I am drained. I come home mean. I cry a lot. I have a hard time being thankful.

But if I took more time to be mindful of the world around me, I could find a lot of things to appreciate. I work with brilliant people with big hearts who second guess every detail because they are saving lives all day long. I have a family who loves and supports me. I live in a society where I can support myself. I am young and healthy enough to push my body to its limits in a yoga class or out on a run. I am rich enough to not have to worry about where my next meal will come from or where I will sleep at night.

I woke up this morning. And because of all these things, I don't deserve to have a bad attitude today.

Who I Am at Twenty Years Old

I'm an honest girl. I generally make an effort to be honest. So here is an honest statement: The past year has been difficult for me.

I've been nursing a broken heart that never seems to heal.
I had no idea where my life was headed, due to the fact that I was rejected from ASU's nursing program.
I spent most of my fall semester crying outside of my classrooms instead of attending classes inside of them.
I felt like a lost a large part of my identity, due to the fact that my primary focus was living up to other people's standards.
God and I have not been on good terms for a long time.

I'm on my way back, but it's a long, hard road. I feel like most of my time is spent sitting on random stumps along the path instead of actually walking down it, but I'm at least headed in a direction.

Here is what I learned about myself while I was in France:

I like:
- kicking the heads off of dandelions
- reggae music on sunny days
- napping in the grass
- faire bises
- daisy-chain headdresses
- paisley
- purple
- purple paisley
- napping in beds that are not mine
- S'mores Pop Tarts
- watching movies
- crying during movies
- dancing to music that reminds me of me
- ice cream trucks
- sunbathing and getting just a little bit burnt
- CNN, especially Anderson Cooper
- hoodies
- stores and homes that smell like hippies
- stairwells that remind me of Mexico

I want to:
- live on the coast, in a town with church bells, where I can ride the bus or the metro
- live in a lighthouse and own a pumpkin patch
- live close enough to go home for Thanksgiving
- grow my hair long and wear jewelry that jangles and never own a winter coat and never carry an umbrella
- buy fruits and veggies from a fruit stand and be a regular at a coffee shop and sing at open mic nights
- have clear skin
- be real brown and laugh real loud and speak at least two languages every day
- sing
- play music with someone I love
- have a dog who I can take mostly everywhere
- live somewhere small and order takeout and watch too many movies and knit gifts for my friends
- do theater in my "free time", if that even exists
- have colored candlesticks and a black lacquered chandelier and a claw-foot bathtub
- read a lot
- have a wrought-iron gate with music notes and a patio full of flowers (which someone else will obviously have to care for, because I'm a mess when it comes to keeping plants alive)
- take naps in the grass in a park near my house
- have colored panes in my living room windows
- have a piano in my living room instead of a TV
- sell my car
- live somewhere with bright colors and lots of paisley and a futon couch where people can sleep when they come visit me and a funky teapot which will nearly always be full of hot water

And that's what I know.